User:Scientific Guy/Iliad House/First Impressions
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“First Impressions” is episode #1 of the Iliad House audio series. It was written and directed by Phil Lollar, and was released November 2016.
Summary
Fourteen-year-old Jesse Davidson is considered a loser by everyone in his school, and sets out to find his “thing” in life.
Listen
Cast
| Role | Actor |
|---|---|
| Narrator | Phil Lollar |
| Announcer | Tammi Romani |
| Jesse Davidson | Ian Reid |
| Cassandra Wilson | Tracy Van Dolder |
| Stuart Martin
Coach HazMat Guy Shop Teacher |
Daniel Heffington |
| Christopher Portalis | Daniel Noa |
| Chester | Nathan Spangler |
| The Voice | Katie Leigh |
| Mrs. McEd | Karen Kennedy |
| Principal
Chemistry Teacher |
Joel Grewe |
| History Teacher | Abigail Ryan |
| English Teacher | Erin Crossman |
| Randy Barnes | Austin Peachey |
| Heckling Kid | Jessica Stepanion |
Transcription
Narrator: They say stories are best told by the people who live them. Well, you’ll have to be the judge of that, but I’ll do the best I can. And Jupiter’s moons, what a story it is! This is the story of a young man named Jesse Davidson, an orphan, who came to live with his mysterious uncle, a professor named Christopher Portalis, and his even more mysterious home, a mansion, which sits on the southern tip of Verity Island, off the eastern seaboard of the United States. Welcome to Iliad House!
Narrator: It is a well-known maxim that first impressions are extremely important. You never get a second chance to make a good one, so the rest of the maxim goes. It would be very interesting to discover everyone’s first impressions of the guy who made up such a ridiculous maxim, the sole purpose of which seems to be to place extreme amounts of pressure on everyone’s behavior at a first meeting! To truly get a correct impression of a person, of course, it is necessary to spend time with him or her. The more time spent, the more intense the impression. However, time is something we all have limited amounts of, and spending copious amounts of it with one person means sacrificing the amount of it you can spend with others, or doing other things. Which brings us to Jesse Davidson and his uncle, Professor Christopher Portalis. Though Jesse has lived with his uncle at Iliad House for two years, and though he and the professor are each the only actual blood relation the other one has, it is only by the greatest stretch of the imagination that they can be called a family! While the professor provides amply for Jesse’s material needs, mainly via their housekeeper, Mrs. McEd, and Iliad House and its surrounding environs offer more than enough opportunities for Jesse to explore, play, exercise his imagination, and get into trouble, where both the professor and Jesse are rather lacking is in the relationship department, specifically, their relationship with each other. Jesse obtains information about his uncle via hushed anecdotes from Mrs. McEd, snarky remarks from his school chums, and whispered rumors from the denizens of the artisans’ village at the northern end of the island where they all live. The professor prefers to learn about Jesse through technology, specifically via a computer program he developed that gathers and compiles on digital video events in Jesse’s academic career during a given period of time. In fact, the professor is currently in his study, watching the latest such compilation on the belly screen of Chester, a robotic entity the professor created to assist him in his work. And, as will become apparent in the near future, the professor and Chester are not the only ones viewing the compilation, the highlights of which sound like this.
Jesse: <heavy breathing> AUGH!
Coach: Davidson, you’re supposed to jump over the bar, not land on it!
History Teacher: Mr. Davidson, the Civil War did not begin in 1961.
Chemistry Teacher: Five, Davidson. You were supposed to count to five before adding the third chemical.
Hazmat Guy: HazMat, comin’ through.
Chemistry Teacher: Oh, my.
English Teacher: Nice essay, Mr. Davidson, especially the parts you copied, word-for-word, from WikiSearch.
History Teacher: The Battle of Gettysburg was not fought in Transylvania.
Coach: That was a brand-new bar, and ya gripped it! It looks like a giant V now! No, don’t bend it back. Argh…
English Teacher: By the way, F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote The Great Gatsby, not The Great Gypsy.
Shop Teacher: Aw, you’re only supposed to cut the board, Davidson, not the sawhorses!
History Teacher: And Abraham Lincoln was not assassinated in a phone booth!
Coach: You could clear that bar if you worked harder, Jesse.
Shop Teacher: You have to pay attention. People can get hurt, Jesse!
Chemistry Teacher: There are no shortcuts in Chemistry, Jesse!
English Teacher: You’re more creative than this. You just aren’t trying, Jesse.
Teachers: Jesse, Jesse, Jesse, Jesse…
History Teacher: JESSE!
Jesse: <snorts> Huh?
History Teacher: I said, you could do so well in History if you’d just read the book instead of using it as a pillow! Or a napkin. <video stops>
Chester: Is something wrong, professor?
Portalis: No, no, Chester; I, uh, I’m just finished viewing, that’s all.
Chester: But there is more.
Portalis: I – I know, I’ve seen enough.
Chester: It’s me, isn’t it?
Portalis: No, Chester.
Chester: I muffed it somehow, oh, curse my programming!
Portalis: You don’t need to curse yourself. I just saw all I needed to see.
Chester: Are you sure?
Portalis: Positive.
Chester: Because I can do better.
Portalis: There’s no need for you to!
Chester: You’re just saying that.
Portalis: I’m not, I’m not. Everything was great.
Chester: Really?
Portalis: I promise. Now, why don’t you go back to the lab?
Chester: Very well. <walks away> He hates me.
Portalis: I’ve got to check that robot’s programming.
The Voice: So why did you stop the video, Portalis?
Portalis: What’s the point with going on with it? Jesse is unruly, undisciplined, unfocused, and careless.
The Voice: He is a boy.
Portalis: He’s fourteen.
The Voice: Yes, and fourteen-year-old boys are frequently unruly, undisciplined, unfocused, and careless. Have you forgotten how you were?
Portalis: I wasn’t that way at fourteen. By then I had passed my test. I had faced the dragon.
The Voice: Indeed, but you also were not an orphan.
Portalis: My sister and her husband died when Jesse was three.
The Voice: And he was passed from home to home until he came to you, here at Iliad House. And what did he find here?
Portalis: He found a place of intellectual stimulation, and training for the future. If he would take advantage of it. Training you told me is necessary, by the way.
The Voice: It is necessary.
Portalis: Then why has he been here for two years and still shown no signs of intellectual development, or of taking advantage of the training, or of growth at all?
The Voice: Perhaps because of what he did not find when he came here.
Portalis: And what would that be?
The Voice: A home.
Portalis: Well, I’ve also tried to provide that.
The Voice: By shuffling him off to school for most of the day and closing yourself off from him the rest of the day?
Portalis: I’m handling things as best as I can, as best as I know how to. This is difficult, for me as well.
The Voice: Indeed. It takes time.
Portalis: Time: Jesse’s test. He hasn’t solved that problem either. The cycle repeats, and repeats, and repeats.
The Voice: You must have faith, Portalis.
Portalis: Faith? In Jesse?
The Voice: No, faith in Him.
Portalis: Yes, and I do.
The Voice: Be at peace, Portalis. You know much, but the world is more than you know.
Portalis: Is that a line from Ben-Hur?
The Voice: Of course! Great film, one of my favorites.
Mrs. McEd: <knocks> Professor?
Portalis: What is it, Mrs. McEd?
Mrs. McEd: May I come in, sir?
Portalis: Yes, yes, enter.
Mrs. McEd: Are you alright, sir?
Portalis: Of course; why wouldn’t I be?
Mrs. McEd: Ah, I passed the metal beastie in the hallway, sir, and knew you were alone in here, but, well, you were doing it again.
Portalis: I told you, Mrs. McEd, I’m just thinking out loud.
Mrs. McEd: Right, sir. That’s what me uncle Argus called it, too. He used to think out loud to the fridge, the garden implements, the cat! It was innocent fun ’til he started claiming they were all thinking out loud back to him. That’s how he lost his family fortune, you know. Said the ol’ rake told him to place all on a horse in the Kentucky Derby!
Portalis: He actually did that?
Mrs. McEd: <laughs> Sweet mango chutney, no! He listened to the cat instead and bet on the horse to win.
Portalis: Of course he did. Rest assured, Mrs. McEd, I am not thinking out loud to the cat. We don’t have a cat.
Mrs. McEd: I know that, sir. We do have a rake, though.
Portalis: Not here in my study, we don’t. Now, would you be so good as to bring me some tea?
Mrs. McEd: I’d be happy to, sir.
Portalis: Thank you.
Mrs. McEd: Best to keep you out of the kitchen, after all. The fridge gave uncle Argus worse advice than the cat and the rake did. <exits>
Portalis: …“Sweet mango chutney”?
Narrator: Had the professor bothered to spend real time with Jesse, he may have witnessed something that said a great deal more about Jesse’s character than did glimpses of negative moments in the boy’s formal learning. For despite his academic lethargy and its accompanying ridicule from his peers, Jesse decided to run for class president. That afternoon found him seated on the stage of the Verity City High School assembly hall, along with his opponents in the race, awaiting the school principal’s announcement of the election’s outcome.
Principal: Alright, everyone, settle down. Settle down, please. I’m not going to announce the results until you all settle down. Thank you. Now, I’m sure you’re all anxious to know who your next student body president will be. So without further ado, the election results are as follows: Randy Barnes, two hundred and twelve votes. Sarah Connor, one hundred eighty-two votes.
Jesse: Sorry, guys. We can’t all be champs.
Principal: And Jesse Davidson, two votes.
Randy: In your case, that’s “chump,” Davidson!
Principal: So your new president is Randy Barnes!
Randy: Thank you, Verity City High School!
Jesse: Jupiter’s moons...
Narrator: As Randy basked in the adulation of his fellow students, Jesse grabbed his book bag and beat a hasty retreat through the back stage door. He found a quiet bench under a tree, sat, pulled out a college-ruled notebook and a ballpoint pen, and opened the notebook to a page, at the top of which was scrawled in fairly legible handwriting, “Possible Things.” Beneath that was a list of activities, most of which had a heavy, black ink line scratched through them.
Jesse: Now, let’s see: Sports, no; Science, no; Academics! No. Ah, here we are: Politics! No. Another one bites the dust.
Narrator: He replaced the notebook and pen, and retrieved a small, ragged, careworn picture.
Jesse: Hi, Mom, Dad. Guess what? I was elected class president today. Okay, almost elected. I only lost by two hundred and eleven votes. Not bad, eh? You should be proud of your son.
Stu: <motor scooter noise> Hey, Jesse!
Jesse: Woah!
Stu: Greetings!
Jesse: Jupiter’s moons, watch where you’re going with that thing, Stu!
Stu: Cool, huh? I added an inertial damper to the braking system. Now it stops on a dime!
Jesse: Well, my foot isn’t a dime. Why can’t you just walk like everyone else?
Stu: Because everyone else walks, and why walk when I can ride? Speaking of walking, the assembly’s letting out, so you’d better start some fast walking of your own, if you want to avoid meeting your adoring public. Or, should I say, Randy’s adoring public.
Jesse: Right.
Heckling Kid: Hey, it’s Jesse-two-votes!
Stu: Oops, too late!
Heckling Kid: Hey, Davidson, the only running you should do is on the track, not for office.
Jesse: Funny! You should go on the road.
Heckling Kid: Not as funny as your campaign.
Jesse: Thank you! <muttering> Time for you to go play with traffic, now… Troglodytes.
Stu: “Jesse-two-votes”; that’s pretty good.
Jesse: Well, I’m glad my adolescent pain is so amusing to you.
Stu: Oh, come on! You weren’t serious about being class president.
Jesse: Sure! I mean, I entered the race, didn’t I?
Stu: Last week! Randy and Sarah have been campaigning for the last six weeks.
Jesse: So?
Stu: So, I thought you were doing it for a lark. I mean, did you really think you had a shot?
Jesse: School elections are all about popularity. Everyone knows who I am.
Stu: <chuckles> That’s probably why you didn’t get elected.
Jesse: Et tu, Su-te? I just thought politics might be my ‘thing,’ that’s all.
Stu: Your ‘thing’?
Jesse: Yeah, you know, everybody has a thing that sets them apart. For you, it’s science. For Randy, it’s sports. It’s supposed to be only sports.
Stu: Well, I’m sorry it didn’t turn out like you wanted.
Jesse: Thanks, Stu. At least I know who voted for me.
Stu: Yeah?
Jesse: You and me.
Stu: Oh-oh, uh, well, um…
Jesse: You didn’t vote for me?
Stu: Well, I-I, uh, uh, um–
Jesse: You didn’t vote for me??
Stu: Y-you see, what it was, was…
Jesse: YOU DIDN’T VOTE FOR ME!!
Stu: No…
Jesse: Some best friend.
Stu: I didn’t vote for anybody! You know how I feel about these things! They’re meaningless! Look at it this way: you’re also popular with at least one other person, right?
Jesse: Good point. I mean, if you didn’t vote for me, then who did?
Cassandra: Me.
Jesse: <gasps>
Stu: <gasps>
Narrator: The reason for the small gasp just emitted from Jesse, and the considerably larger gasp emitted from Stu, is who was standing in front of them when they both turned around. Her name is Cassandra Wilson, and she seems to be the very person for whom the phrase “She’d be very pretty if it weren’t for…” was written. In this case, the ‘weren’t for’ is a mane of unkempt, dark hair and a generous amount of black makeup applied liberally to wild, almond-shaped, pale-blue eyes, which stared, unblinkingly, at Jesse.
Stu: H-hi, Cassandra!
Cassandra: Stu-rat.
Jesse: You voted for me?
Cassandra: I did.
Jesse: Why?
Cassandra: Because you are one of the most influential people in US history.
Jesse: What?
Cassandra: Do I really need to repeat myself?
Jesse: No. Uh, you mean I will be one of the most influential people. You know, one day.
Cassandra: No, I mean you are. <walks away>
Stu: Well, that was pleasant! Living up to that ‘Crazy Cassandra’ nickname, I see. Come on; I have to stop by the science building and pick up a power cable.
Jesse: Perfect. The only two votes I get are from myself… and a nutcase.
Stu: Where is it? It was here yesterday.
Jesse: Be nice, though.
Stu: What?
Jesse: “One of the most influential people in US history.”
Stu: Oh, that. Consider the source.
Jesse: Cassandra’s not so bad.
Stu: Yeah, she’s worse!
Jesse: She has nice eyes…
Stu: Crazy eyes! Wait a minute, do you like her?
Jesse: WHAT!! No!
Stu: You like her!
Jesse: No! Cut it out!
Stu: <taunting> You like Cassandra, Crazy Cassandra, and her “nice eyes”!
Jesse: I like her because she voted for me, unlike you. And because she thinks I’m influential, unlike you.
Stu: <scoffs> I hate to pop your ‘delusion of grandeur’ bubble, but sometimes, you actually have to work to get what you want. And sometimes, you have to work hard.
Jesse: Yeah, because working hard has done so much for you. How many of your experiments have failed again? All of them? Why don’t you give up?
Stu: ‘Cause the next one might succeed! Aha! Found it. And speaking of my next experiment–
Jesse: Forget it! I don’t like being your guinea pig.
Stu: This one’ll be fun! It involves the train.
Jesse: The train? Then especially forget it. That thing creeps me out!
Stu: Come on, Jesse; I’ve been working on this experiment for months! I can’t do it by myself. All you gotta do is pull a lever. You gotta help me! Please?
Jesse: <sighs> You’re just like that Greek guy.
Stu: You mean the new kid in gym class? I think he’s Russian.
Jesse: No, the Greek guy who had to keep rolling a boulder up a hill, only to have it roll back down when he got it to the top.
Stu: Sisyphus.
Jesse: I am not! I just don’t like spiders.
Stu: No, that’s the Greek guy’s name: Sisyphus. And yeah, I guess I am like him, except he was condemned by the gods. I do it because I like it.
Jesse: Well, I don’t.
Stu: Okay, I didn’t wanna have to do this…
Jesse: Do what?
Stu: If you’ll step over here to my laptop, please. Read.
Jesse: “To the guardian of Jesse Davidson; Verity City High School Administration; midterm grade report”?
Stu: Let’s see: D in science, C-minus in shop, C in track, D in English, and– ooh. You know, that Sisyphus reference isn’t bad for a guy who’s failing history.
Jesse: How did you get this??
Stu: Do you really have to ask? Be a shame if that info ended up in your uncle’s email inbox…
Jesse: You’d do that?
Stu: The march of science must not be hindered!
Jesse: I don’t care about the march of science; I care about not failing history, and not having my uncle find out I’m failing history!
Stu: You help me, and I guarantee you won’t fail.
Jesse: Guarantee? How?
Stu: Meet me at the train and find out. Come on, Jesse! What I want you to do is easy; it’s just the ‘thing’ you’re looking for. What do you say?
Jesse: <groans> Oh, alright.
Stu: Yesss!
Jesse: I have to clean up my campaign posters around the school, first.
Stu: Oh, then can I use your skiff? I-I wanna get there as soon as possible.
Jesse: But that means I’ll have to take the long way around, over the bridge!
Stu: Exercise – it’s good for you!
Jesse: Says the guy who rides a scooter.
Stu: <leaving> Besides, maybe your girlfriend Cassandra will help you clean up the posters! She has such nice eyes! <cackles>
Jesse: I hope you crash! Jupiter’s moons…
Narrator: As Jesse neither ran into nor found Cassandra lurking about the campus, it took him a while to clean up the campaign posters from his failed school presidential bid. But once the posters were all in the garbage, along with his campaign, he took the long way back to his home on the island, trekking across the sole bridge to the village, and then tromping down from the village through gloomy and dank woods, which matched Jesse’s gloomy and dank mood.
Jesse: I must be as crazy as Cassandra. <rustle> Hello? <rustle> Stu? Is that you? <rustle> Alright, whoever you are! I got a big stick here, and I know how to use it! Unless, you know, you’re a big animal; in which case, I know how to run really fast!
Narrator: Jesse struck a manly pose, the clublike stick poised in his hand, ready to bludgeon whatever came out of the brush at him. Unfortunately, upon taking up the weapon, he didn’t notice the very large spider on the opposite end of it, which was now rapidly creeping its way down the clublike stick’s length, toward Jesse’s hand.
Jesse: I mean it! Come on out now!
Narrator: The spider will reach Jesse’s hand in three seconds. Two. One.
Jesse: AAAHH!! OH!
Cassandra: Jesse?
Jesse: AAAH!! AH! GET-IT-OFF-ME-GET-IT-OFF-ME-GET-IT-OFF-ME!!
Cassandra: What? What? What?
Jesse: THE-BIG-HAIRY-SPIDER-GET-IT-OFF-GET-IT-OFF!!
Cassandra: It’s gone!
Jesse: AUGH!! AH!!
Cassandra: It’s gone!
Jesse: ARE YOU SURE?? GET-IT-OFF!!
Cassandra: Yes! Yes, all gone!
Jesse: Woah! <exhales thrice> Uh, Cassandra?
Cassandra: Yeah, hi.
Jesse: You didn’t see any of that.
Cassandra: I didn’t?
Jesse: No. What’re you doing here?
Cassandra: Following you.
Jesse: Yeah, I kinda figured that. Do you even know where I’m going?
Cassandra: The train.
Jesse: That’s right. How do you know about the train? Have you been spying on me?
Cassandra: Of course not!
Jesse: Oh. Well, it would’ve been nice to have someone spying on me.
Cassandra: I am supposed to go with you on the train, though.
Jesse: Supposed to?
Cassandra: Yes.
Jesse: Go with me.
Cassandra: Yes.
Jesse: On the train.
Cassandra: Yes, I’m supposed to go with you on the train.
Jesse: Okay…
Cassandra: I know you don’t believe me.
Jesse: Well, what makes you say that?
Cassandra: The rolling eyes, the snippy reply. It’s okay, though. Nobody ever… believes… me.
Jesse: A nice walk in the trees is just the kinda therapy you need.
Cassandra: <moaning>
Jesse: These woods are nice! When they’re not spooky, and spiders aren’t crawling on your arm, and when people aren’t jumping out at you from the bushes.
Cassandra: <panting>
Jesse: Cassandra?
Cassandra: No!
Jesse: Hey, are you okay?
Cassandra: No, please, no; don’t, don’t!
Jesse: I won’t, I won’t! What is it; what’s the matter?
Cassandra: There! There!
Jesse: What? The clearing?
Cassandra: Yes, and the– and the tree!
Jesse: It’s just an old oak tree!
Cassandra: No! No, i– it’s more!
Jesse: Yeah, it’s got pretty butterflies on it.
Cassandra: No! No!
Jesse: Okay, they’re not pretty; they’re ugly butterflies! Ugly, bad butterflies.
Cassandra: No! Oh…
Jesse: Cassandra, it’s just a clearing!
Cassandra: No, it– it’s not, Jesse.
Narrator: As Jesse looked at the clearing, it changed before his eyes, growing dark and medieval. The howling wind filled with whispers, the old, gnarled oak transformed into a shrouded skeleton, the butterflies turned to ravens!
Cassandra: Something awful happened there, and will happen there.
Jesse: Jupiter’s moons…! <screams>
Narrator: What will happen to Jesse and Cassandra? What is the significance of the mysterious clearing in the forest? What did Cassandra mean when she said Jesse was “one of the most influential people in US history”? And what did the professor mean when he said that time is “Jesse’s test”? Find out in the next scintillating episodes of Iliad House!
Announcer: In that episode of Iliad House, Ian Reid was Jesse; Tracy Van Dolder was Cassandra; Daniel Heffington was Stu, the coach, the HazMat guy, and the shop teacher; Daniel Noa was the professor; Nathan Spangler was Chester; Katie Leigh was The Voice; Karen Kennedy was Mrs. McEd; Joel Grewe was the principal and the chemistry teacher; Abigail Ryan was the history teacher; Erin Crossman was the English teacher; Austin Peachey was Randy; and Jessica Stepanion was the heckling kid. Phil Lollar was the narrator, and Tammi Romani is your announcer. Iliad House was created by Phil Lollar, and is a presentation of Guess What Productions. “First Impressions” was written and directed by Phil Lollar, sound design and production by Jerry Phillips, music by Justin Durban and SoundDogs.com. We’d love to hear from you! Post on our Iliad House Facebook wall and visit our website at IliadHouse.com.
Portalis: …“Sweet mango chutney”?